


Mixed Signals (and Other Traffic Mishaps)

by truthtakestime



Category: Magnum P.I. (TV 2018)
Genre: Gen, Humor, With a hint of Crack, and higgy isn’t much better, babies are bad at flirting, but magnum skirts the law anyways, hijinks and shenanigans, i guess this counts as UST?, i know that you should never leave the scene of an accident without talking to the police, so there’s that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 01:44:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18982666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truthtakestime/pseuds/truthtakestime
Summary: “What the hell are you doing?” Magnum hissed in her ear. “Because I am getting some very mixed signals from you right now!”“Look, I know we’ve only just met and I might have accidentally hit you with my car this morning, but if you could pretend to be my boyfriend for the next five minutes I will owe you a very substantial favor.”





	Mixed Signals (and Other Traffic Mishaps)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [frankie_mcstein](https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankie_mcstein/gifts), [DinerGuy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DinerGuy/gifts).



> Blame forever and always goes to Vickie and Jess, who were all “here’s a prompt! “Hi I know I just met you when I accidentally hit you with my car but I really need you to pretend that you’re my boyfriend”” and then also “we should all write a version! It’ll be FUN”. So I did the thing. It’s really all their collective fault. 
> 
> (don’t we love it when they make me write things?)
> 
> (also I apologize for my tags, y'know?)

Juliet, if asked, would have said that she had an excellent spacial awareness. She could tell at a glance exactly how much room would be needed to hide a burner phone, a box of contraband, or to parallel park a trailer truck with inches to spare (that was a story, but it was classified). And she certainly had excellent peripheral vision. In the entirety of her life as a licensed driver she had never so much as gotten a parking ticket, nevermind gotten into an accident. Or at least an accident not sanctioned by the British government. 

So how had she managed to completely miss Mr. Magnum’s presence in the middle of the street until he was careening off her front bumper and into the pavement?

She cursed and slammed the brakes. How? _Why_? Of all the modestly priced hybrid cars on the island, what had possessed Mr. Masters’ strange new security consultant to run in front of _hers_? 

The security consultant in question was currently rolling around on the ground, groaning and holding his ribs and generally carrying on with far more drama than Higgins thought was strictly necessary. Getting hit by a car wasn’t exactly comfortable -- another classified story could attest to that -- but she hadn’t been going that fast, having just come off a stoplight. He was acting as if she had ruptured his spleen and half his other major organs! There was no excuse for that kind of behavior. And honestly, what had he expected, running out in the middle of the street?

He looked up at her from an awkward angle as she came around the car to make sure he was as alright as she thought he was. He squinted, but it only took him a second to recognize her, which meant that his cognition was probably fine. “Higgins? What the hell?”

Juliet knelt beside him and brushed his hands away from his ribs to probe them for injury. He let out a sound that she hadn’t known was naturally occurring in humans and rolled away, but she was pretty sure that they were just bruised. Which meant that there was no reason to feel sorry for him running into her car. 

“That’s a fine thing for you to say, running wantonly out into the middle of the street like you did. Don’t they teach you to look both ways in America?” She sat back on her heels as he maneuvered himself into a sitting position. “You’re lucky I was following posted speed limits, insead of careening about the way everyone else in this bloody country seems to.” 

He gaped at her. “So… you’re saying that this is my fault?” 

That wasn’t exactly how she’d been planning on putting it, but that was the gist of it, yes. “What sort of sane human leaps from nowhere _directly into someone’s front bumper_?” 

Someone from the small crowd that had collected on the sidewalk to watch the show raised a hand. “I saw that. The lady checked her surroundings and started to go and you took a _dive_ , man.”

Magnum made a series of offended sounds at the injustice of it all, and waved off Juliet’s offer of a hand up, choosing instead to drag himself to his feet using her now dented bumper. He limped a few steps. Huffed. “Well I guess I’ll live,” he declared grumpily after a moment. “No thanks to you. I guess what they say about lady drivers is true, huh?” 

Now that was just outright offensive. Apparently the guy from the crowd thought so too, because a loud “oh!” came from his general direction. 

Juliet smirked darkly at Magnum. “Why don’t you just stand there a minute, hm? I’ll show you a lady driver.” 

“I’m good.” He limped away to the man who had interjected. The guy laughed and slapped him on the back like an old friend, earning another grunt of discomfort and one last irritated look over his shoulder -- as if it was Juliet’s fault that the man had jarred him -- and they headed off. 

Juliet rolled her eyes. _Bloody idiot_. 

After a cursory examination of the bumper decided it wasn’t worth quibbling over. The mechanic’s fee would probably be less than Magnum’s doctor’s bill; as far as she knew, Robin wasn’t offering him any sort of insurance. 

She would call it even. 

\--

“Hey sweetheart. What’s a pretty thing like you doing all alone at the bar?” 

Juliet looked up and arranged her face into a bland, disinterested expression. It wasn’t often that she chose the bar over a quiet glass of something at home, but sometimes she liked to go out and indulge in a taste of the local culture. For the most part she enjoyed it. And the occasional hothead who thought it was a good idea to try to flirt with her was easy enough to handle. 

“Enjoying myself,” she answered. “Which is what you should be doing back over there with your mates.” She nodded at the group of rowdy, muscled guys who she had clocked her admirer with when she first came in. The ones who were sober enough were oogling her. “They look like they miss you.”

The man spared glance over his shoulder, then shook his head. “Nah, they’ll be alright,” he chuckled. “You’re much better company.”

So he was the persistent sort. That was mildly irritating. That meant she was going to have to exert _effort_ to get rid of him, and the whole point of a quiet drink was to use as little effort as possible and try to relax. Men really were exceptionally thick sometimes. 

She decided to try an easy letdown on more before she let herself get angry. “I’m sorry, but I’m really not interested tonight --”

“Would another night be better for you then, doll? I’m free all week.”

Juliet gritted her teeth. She was about to say something biting when, out of the corner of her eye, she saw someone vaguely familiar walk through the door. “I’m afraid you misunderstood me; I’m meeting my boyfriend here.”

“Boyfriend?” The man’s brow furrowed. “And he ditched you? You been lookin’ pretty lonely over here for the last twenty minutes.”

“He got stuck in traffic,” she lied smoothly, already regretting her story. She did recognize the man who had just walked in, alright. Unfortunately, it was the same man who had just that morning left a rather unsightly indent in her front bumper. Magnum was abrasive enough as it was, but she had a feeling that he would be even less inclined to help after their little misunderstanding. 

On the other hand, her new admirer kept inching closer and she really didn’t want to have to break his wrist. The paperwork for injuring someone in self-defense was always so messy. 

She decided that it was worth the risk of Mr. Magnum blowing the whole thing, if only to get rid of this guy and to see the look on the security consultant’s face. “Oh look, there he is now. Thomas, darling! Over here, at the bar!”

Magnum looked over, and his eyes widened as she hopped off her barstool and threw her arms around his neck. He caught her, but she felt his whole body tense at the contact and he hissed in pain. 

_Right, bruised ribs. Oops._

“What the hell are you doing?” he hissed in her ear. “Because I am getting some very mixed signals from you right now!”

“So glad you finally made it, darling! We must do something about you working all these late hours.” She said that loudly, before leaning in to whisper. “Look, I know we’ve only just met and I might have accidentally hit you with my car this morning, but if you could pretend to be my boyfriend for the next five minutes I will owe you a very substantial favor.”

After a second, he pushed her back just enough to gaze into her eyes in a way that was probably intended to make women swoon. Juliet was just trying to read him for clues. “Well,” he said softly, grinning, “how could I say no to an offer like that?” 

That was… easier than she had expected. Which she was sure would be quite worrying once she came to her senses again. But for the next five minutes, she had his full cooperation to help her get rid of the vaguely inebriated man who had not turned tail at the sight of her boyfriend. In fact he hadn’t moved at all, other than to turn so he could see the competition better. A confused frown spread over his face. 

“Him?” he said as Juliet returned to her seat at the bar, dragging Magnum along in her wake. “You’re dating _him_?”

The man outweighed Magnum by quite a bit, and was several inches taller. Nevertheless, he put on a serious expression and puffed out his chest in the way men did when they were feeling threatened. “I _know_ you’re not talking to my girl like that,” he said, crossing his arms. “Because that’s not exactly how you live a long and healthy life.”

“And I know you’re not talking to _me_ like that. She’s way out of your league; if you’re smart, you’ll move along now and make room for a real man.”

Juliet was about to open her mouth and tell the man exactly how much credence she gave to that, but before she could do more than draw a breath Magnum did something completely unexpected. 

He punched the guy right in the nose. 

The brawl that followed was aggressive, but sloppy and brief, and ended with the stalker and his friends limping out and Magnum kind of slumped awkwardly against the bar. 

“Yeah that’s right, and stay out!” he shouted after them. The effect was somewhat underwhelming when he was having trouble standing up. 

The bartender brought him a bucket of ice and some rags. “Those guys have been bothering my customers all week,” he grumbled. “You did me a favor. Drinks for you and the lady are on me for the night.”

“Thanks.”

Juliet watched him apply ice to various bruises for a few minutes before addressing him. “That… escalated rather quickly,” she began, because just _thanks_ seemed a bit awkward after hitting him with her car and then asking for a favor. “You didn’t have to do that.”

Magnum squinted at her, holding a makeshift ice pack to his left eye. Somehow defying all logic, she found this far more appealing than the soul-gaze he used to woo women. It was honest. She preferred that over charming nothings.

“Nah, I had to sell the bit, right? Thomas the Boyfriend Who Gets Stuck In Traffic is the jealous type. It was all part of the act.” He paused to shift the ice pack as if it was doing any good. “Besides, he insulted your impeccable taste in men, which I just couldn’t let slide.”

Juliet rolled her eyes. _Oh, he’s going to be just fine_ , she decided. “You do think a lot of yourself, for someone who was foolish enough to run into traffic just this morning,” she chided. “Your chivalry does not erase your apparently subpar brain function.”

“Wow, okay.” Magnum chuckled and tried to shake his head, but ended up just groaning and making pained faces. “Next time you’re being hit on by some creep at a bar, good luck finding someone else to play your boyfriend. Nevermind that Jealous Thomas has been dating you for three years. You met, funny enough, because you nearly ran him down in a parking lot and asked him to dinner to apologize. It’s a very endearing story that he tells at parties. And I bet you didn’t know that he was late today because he was out picking up a ring so that he could pop the question… But no, you just go ahead and walk out on all the hard work he put into this relationship!”

Had he really just spun a detailed three year backstory for a five minute charade? “How hard did that man hit you in the head? You must be delusional. How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Oh come on, is it really that hard to just say thank you and _not_ bring up how you tried to kill me this morning?”

She had _not_ been trying to kill him! But she had started out trying to thank him, hadn’t she? That had gotten lost somewhere in there. “Fine. Thank you Mr. Magnum for causing an unnecessary bar brawl in the name of chivalry so that I didn’t have to break the drunken lech’s hand. Are you satisfied?”

He grinned, and it was a bit of a look with the ice pack and his rapidly bruising face. “Very,” he said. “I can’t wait to call in my favor.”

Juliet wasn’t sure if she should anticipate or dread that day. 

_fin._


End file.
